I may have posted this before, elsewhere, but I saw it again tonight, and it made me laugh again.
Q: Do you have electricity in Australia?
A: Yes, but not everywhere, at Cape Tribulation in the Daintree, North Queensland, we don't. More info..
Q: Will we see kangaroos hopping through the streets?
A: Yes, in Cooktown you can see them at night, and in Canberra they have come in to the city parks during droughts.
Q: Will there be crocodiles in the streets?
A: Only during high water, like during the king tides in Cairns where one poor croc got run over by a car in the industrial area and during the floods in Katherine where an aerial photograph showed a crocodile in the middle of the main street in front of the supermarket swimming along.
Q: Do you have monkeys in Australia?
A: YES! Several zoos throughout Australia have monkeys! There are none in the wild, if you look at the world map and follow the islands of Indonesia along in you will notice that (if you have a good map) somehere to the east of Bali, there is a line on the map called the Wallace line. This is where Mr. Wallace, a Pommie biologist if I remember correctly, noted the changeover between Asian and Australian flora and fauna.
Below is a list of not too frequently asked questions:
Q: Can I pick up my camper van in Auckland and drop it off in Darwin?(Belgium)
A: Sure, take a ferry, change the registration plates from New Zealand to Australian, and find a way to calm down the people you rented it from when they hear where their vehicle has ended up.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Q: Dear Webmaster down under,
we are a middle-aged couple and have a little son of 6 who is very fond of animals. We thought of getting him an Australian pet and like to have your advice: Should it be a young croc, a koala or a cangaroo? And should we employ an aboriginal nanny at the same time to help our son getting along with the strange pet?
A: Dear Fritz and Gretchen, the choice of the right pet depends on a few factors;
The crocodile will need water to swim, so you need to have a swimming pool or live near a lake. Your Aboriginal nanny will have to work seven days a week and watch the croc all the time, as the croc will grow and when it gets to about one and a half metre it can eat your son.
The koala will need to eat eucalyptus leaves, so you must have some of these trees in your garden, or in a nearby park where the Aboriginal nanny can walk the koala every day, but it must be kept on a leash as otherwise the koala can climb high up a tree and then when it gets stoned from eating the eucalyptus leaves it will fall asleep and not come down again for a few days.
If you get a big size kangaroo then your son can sit in the pouch and enjoy to ride around, but you will need a big house and a big garden to give the kangaroo enough space to jump around, the Aboriginal nanny can probably train the kangaroo to take your son to school and pick up again in the afternoon.
I hope this will help you to choose the right pet.
Q: I have just moved to Australia and am not sure if you can buy kangaroo teeth in the supermarket. what do you suggest?
A: Did you mean meat or teeth?
I was told that the wildlife conservation rangers had trained the monkeys to ride the kangaroos around feeding the drop bears so that they wouldn't pounce on as many tourists.
As for the crocodiles, the salties are the only ones you really have to worry about.
The fresh water crocs are as mild mannered as our alligators.
The fur bearing animals get the most attention, but I think the 6 legged and 8 legged critters are of the highest concern except for maybe the creatures that slither and the herds of wild spitting camels.
If you really want to go and pet a fresh water croc, be my guest. Just let me know when, and I'll take care of the catering, the tickets, and the ambulance.
How about the second Tuesday of next week?
Done, but the third Friday would suit me better.
I forgot to mention that Australia's traditional soup is toxic but completely organic. Made from the natural hideous things found throughout the antipodes.
Not your soup Dez. Your soup is "delicious and nutritious" :)
Hmm - been drinking the sea water at Bondi again, have you?
Not yet. I still have to book my flight to Sydney. I wonder if the in-flight soup they serve is safe?
I'd avoid it. The smell on your breath attracts the snakes.
My snake handling ability goes back to my primeval ancestral heritage. They don't concern me.
I can't see up so the drop bears are still my biggest concern. Wouldn't want to attract them with baited breath.
If you do see up and all you see is a drop bear, it's already too late!
Rude of them not to call before they drop in.
They're not known for their good manners.
You should take it upon yourself to teach these bears some manners!
Ockers don't have any.
Gasp! Marmite stocks running low. Don't tell me I'll have to switch to vegemite...
Ugh, the thought.
Australians don't like Marmite as much. It's a bit sweeter than Vegemite. Both are jars full of excitotoxins plus salt and are addictive. We gleefully feed it to our kids without realising the seriously bad effects. I used to like them - although Promite, the European one, is my favourite.
So that's what happened to the inhabitants of the antipodes. They overdosed on excitotoxin snack foods which caused an explosion of drop bear populations.
If the FDA were to approve the food here, we may have a breakout of 'bipolar' disorder!!
And you might learn how it's supposed to be eaten! LOL
Here's a link you must see, Cris. Welcome to paradise! LOL