Stumbled across this one - thought you might like it.
I knew a monk who had a bad habit...
Three monks are meditating far from the humanity,
in the Himalayas.
One year passes in silence, and one of them says
to the others, "Pretty cold here."
Another year passes and the second monk says,
"You know, you are quite right."
Another year comes to pass...
And the third monk says, "Hey, I'm gonna quit
unless you stop bitching!"
Mikey, why do you let Kevin bully you? He just called you a munky an' you respond by tellin' amusin' anecdotes! Ya gotta fight fire wif fire! Here's a can of petrol anna match.
A match for Mikey? What's her name?!
Let me know how you get on Mikey. If you need any help, I'm very experienced with dealing with difficult women.
T,iz all gud cleen fun, Ma said if i talks rood like, she'll chuck me out N rent me room out to her friend the illegal immigrant, tell yoo dezzie, he'z been hovering around me bedroom door for weeks...
Who? Kevin or the immigrant? Either way, they is very brave. I seed your room once, and the therapy has costed me a fortune.
Don't listen to Kevin. He has no experience. In fact, Monty Python based their "say no more" skit on him. You diddent know that didyoo?
I have spent a lifetime not listening to anyone except myself, Dezzie, its all like water of a ducks back, nothing upsets me, i has a skin thicker than a croc, so no worries Dezzie, I find young moffy very amusing, even entertaining, see, i,m smiling :O)
I don't think he's all that young. Let's saw off one of his branches an' count the rings.
oh lets,,sounds so much fun, where's the chainsaw :O)
I think I left it at the last de-branching. Well, there were witn - er - people approaching and I had to get out of there fast.
Well really. I could feel very cut up about that!
Of course, we would need an itsy bitsy chainsaw for a moff. I think a razorblade will do, and Mikey can make the "brrm brrm" noises.
We could stick a pin through him then and display him like the Victorians use to do, all we want is a little display case now ,,oh an a pin :OP
Got to catch me first! Much, much easier said than done.
AR? And Runs?
Kevin, dear, you can flit all you want in that glass jar, but you is already caught. See, flittin' is what moffs do, an' it's hineffectual (lookitup).
Ah, Mikey, should we break it to 'im that 'e's really a sixteen stone inebriate wif the DT's?
be gentle dezzie cuz he iz a likkle bit flighty and might get upset, I,ll handle him, cuz ive had training in these situations,,,HEY FATBOY GET IN THE JAR!
Subtle, yet firm. You is a master of the hart of conmunication, Mikey. I dips me lid ter you.
Why thank you fair maiden, got it from the book i am now reading, improving your communications with others. marvellous book, even shows you how to pronounce fowl language while eating a Croissant, always handy...
I finds I blows the crumbs out when I do that. Not lady-like at all. Not like you gennlemanses. Mind you, fowls duz only cluck.
AR stands for And Raspberries. A suitable retort for you unruly lot! Good job I'm bravehearted and noble and very, very adept at dodging glass jars. I've also got me Swiss Army glasscutter to hand, just in case.
Well Dezzie it rhymes with Cluck the word ive been practising :O)
There you go again. I think you is bein' rude, an' it can stop right now, young man! Go to your room!
As for you, moff, the Swiss were never very good at manufacturing glass cutters, hence they are known only for their knives. That thing couldn't cut through warm butter. Thank you for the raspberries. They was delicious.
Bless him "A" He do try to be nasty but he juss aint gotit in him, thats us UKlanders all over, Kind,devilishly handsome, polite,sharing, well spoken, and last but not least good breeding stock, this boils down to a nation that likes to practice a lot, i for one think there should be a slot in the Olympics for it , UKland would take all the golds, followed closely by the French, with the Italians contesting for bronze, this would of course upset the Chinese as they had practised more than anyone else on the planet :O)
Hands over ears MMMMMMMMM