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Joke

1. crisderaud26 January 2010, 16:01 GMT +01:00


A group of 40 year old buddies discuss
and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and
nice breasts!

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and also
the wine selection is good.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair
accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea
because they have never been there before.

2. xymonau27 January 2010, 0:53 GMT +01:00

ROFL!! I love it!

3. lennie2 February 2010, 19:38 GMT +01:00

I've found these work-related quotes:

http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/DilbertQuotes.htm

4. xymonau3 February 2010, 8:05 GMT +01:00

Fabulous!

5. crisderaud7 February 2010, 2:55 GMT +01:00

This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Wisconsin

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
The next morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,
As his appeared to have tiny specks around
The edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
Sstarted to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game
He was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

.

6. crisderaud23 February 2010, 14:32 GMT +01:00


Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says,
"My dog has a problem."

The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."

"First you should know, he's a Jewish dog. His name is
Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then
turns around and demands, "So why are you talking to me
like that? You order me around like I'm nothing. And you
only call me when you want something. And then you make
me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me
this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you
tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU
should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a
decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish,
and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little,
the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over
and play dead for real for all you care!"

The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem!
I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'."

7. crisderaud23 February 2010, 23:14 GMT +01:00

How Fights Start


My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office..

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

8. jimdaly9824 February 2010, 18:22 GMT +01:00

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid her pet on the table. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry; your pet duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the vet replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "150!" she cried. "150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been twenty dollars. But, what with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up."

9. crisderaud26 February 2010, 4:10 GMT +01:00


A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

10. jimdaly9826 February 2010, 18:16 GMT +01:00

Stumbled across these & thought I'd share them with you.

http://www.forwardedtome.com/?p=429

http://www.michaelclark.name/jokes/menwomen/do_the_wrong_thing.shtml

http://www.pokkisam.com/image/view/736/_original


11. crisderaud2 March 2010, 0:16 GMT +01:00

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


12. crisderaud29 March 2010, 4:59 GMT +02:00

Interesting classified ads from UK

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica,
45 volumes.
Excellent condition.....200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows everything!

13. crisderaud23 April 2010, 14:42 GMT +02:00

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1...My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2...I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3...Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4...I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5...Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6...You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16...Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!

19...I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD..

25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26...Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28...The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

14. Zela23 April 2010, 20:48 GMT +02:00

Where do you get them Cris ;-) Keep them coming!

15. crisderaud3 May 2010, 15:43 GMT +02:00

Blonde on a plane:

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

16. jimdaly9829 May 2010, 16:28 GMT +02:00

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

17. xymonau30 May 2010, 1:02 GMT +02:00

ROFL!

18. jimdaly986 June 2010, 17:06 GMT +02:00

Stumbled across this.

http://www.dysan.net/weird/show/692.html

19. xymonau6 June 2010, 17:44 GMT +02:00

These are the one-liners I wish I'd said first, Jim!

20. crisderaud15 July 2010, 12:11 GMT +02:00


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

21. xymonau25 July 2010, 10:46 GMT +02:00

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

22. crisderaud26 July 2010, 2:57 GMT +02:00

I woke up to that a long time ago :)

23. crisderaud21 August 2010, 23:15 GMT +02:00

Poorly worded newspaper headlines...!!

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

24. xymonau22 August 2010, 0:35 GMT +02:00

Gee, I just want to see those 7 foot doctors...

A headline on Yahoo last week took the incredibly bad taste award. The story was about a son hearing his father being murdered during a phone call. Those little gems of pretend journalists entitled it, "Dead Ringer". Not funny, Yahoo.

25. krayker22 August 2010, 19:40 GMT +02:00

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

ROTFL

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