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Joke

1. crisderaud26 January 2010, 16:01 GMT +01:00


A group of 40 year old buddies discuss
and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and
nice breasts!

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and also
the wine selection is good.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair
accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea
because they have never been there before.

50. Groningen21 November 2011, 7:00 GMT +01:00

Question: What does a vegetarian cannibal eat?
Answer: The greengrocer!


(The lamer the joke, the better I like them)

51. xymonau21 November 2011, 9:58 GMT +01:00

ROFL!

52. xymonau30 November 2011, 10:29 GMT +01:00

A few of Mark Twain's quotes that brought a smile:

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.


53. crisderaud4 December 2011, 4:56 GMT +01:00

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, report finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Minnesota reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near New Prague, Minnesota Ole Swenson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless".

54. xymonau4 December 2011, 7:50 GMT +01:00

I love it!

55. happyture4 December 2011, 10:50 GMT +01:00

Good one Cris!!!

56. happyture19 December 2011, 9:13 GMT +01:00

I swallowed two pieces of string, when i passed them out they were tied together,,,I shit you knot?

57. mzacha5 January 2012, 14:26 GMT +01:00

Why is Cinderella a bad basketball player?
Beacause she runs away from a ball

58. xymonau25 April 2012, 14:32 GMT +02:00

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
A. Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
A. The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A. Anyone Can Roast Beef.

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A. A Stick

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
A. Polaroids

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A. Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A. Tame Way.



59. mzacha5 May 2012, 8:21 GMT +02:00

Great ;-)

BTW: How to sell a camera:
http://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=pl&tl=en&u=http://allegro.pl/najbrzydszy-aparat-fotograficzny-na-swiecie-i2290372003.html

60. xymonau5 May 2012, 9:46 GMT +02:00

I saw the title, Michal, but the page kept refreshing and wouldn't stop. Not sure why.

61. crisderaud8 May 2012, 16:51 GMT +02:00

The site did the dame for me.

62. xymonau12 May 2012, 12:31 GMT +02:00

Especially for Mother's Day:

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mum sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."


63. micromoth15 May 2012, 23:17 GMT +02:00

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop
anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer.

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

64. mzacha25 May 2012, 13:11 GMT +02:00

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

65. crisderaud25 May 2012, 15:34 GMT +02:00

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozy from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

66. xymonau29 May 2012, 12:15 GMT +02:00

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

67. crisderaud29 June 2012, 21:58 GMT +02:00

‎"I remember an old catholic joke about a man who spent his whole life going to a church every day and prayed to the statue of a great saint begging "please, please, please, let me win the lottery."

Finally the exasperated statue comes to life and looks down at the begging man and says "my son, please, please, please, buy a ticket."

68. xymonau8 July 2012, 6:06 GMT +02:00

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina; one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields never amounting to much and became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak got chilly so they lit a fire in the craft but it sank proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."




69. crisderaud20 July 2012, 16:43 GMT +02:00

An old Dobermann starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Dobermann thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dobermann exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Dobermann sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

70. crisderaud8 September 2012, 16:45 GMT +02:00


An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'

71. mzacha10 September 2012, 16:33 GMT +02:00

One of the biggest banks in the world, the freakin' huge safe... The owners decided to test its security.

They invited the world's most famous thieves from France, the U.S., Germany, and two random Poles.

For each team they decided to turn off the light for half a minute. If after turning the light on the safe is open, the team can take the contents.

First try the French, the light comes on - the safe is closed. Then try Americans, the light comes on - even did not manage to take out the equipment from their backpacks. Germans are trying to do the job - nothing ...

Then the Poles. The light goes out and after half a minute the owners are trying to turn on the light - nothing.

Trying again - nothing.

From the darkness they hear the silent whisper:
- Hey, Matt! Why are you taking this bulb? We already have the money!

72. happyture15 November 2012, 17:07 GMT +01:00

God was once asked why he made Man first,,,,He answered Because i didn't want to be told how to do it .....

73. xymonau12 May 2013, 13:55 GMT +02:00

Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. Obviously there was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal:

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

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